A lot does meet the eye 

Heyyyyyyyyyy treatment!!  What’s up?  How have you been?  Anything new, like new bathrooms new groups maybe a new binder outlining my stay???  I think this conversation is so funny in my head, it keeps me from thinking “oh shit I’m going to treatment again.”  

Shit.  I’m going to treatment again.  

Check into my sweet new digs next Monday.  I’m entering a partial hospitalization program which means I’ll be there 10 hours a day, 7 days a week. I had initial shame for needing a higher level of care again–but I got over that and now I’m proud of this next part of my journey.  Ok bear with me I’m about to use Grey’s Anatomy to parallel working with my eating disorder.  There’s an episode where a patient presents with an inoperable tumor that a neurosurgeon takes on.  The result is defeat of the tumor, with a bigger result of inspiring words.  It talks about how we want to leave a mark, we want our existence to mean something.  We face obstacles that seem win or lose….but win or lose, you never fail.  The only way to fail is not to fight.  We fight because in the end there’s no glory in easy.  No one remembers easy, they remember the long agonizing fight. That is how you leave your mark. That is how you become legendary.  

Thank you Grey’s…besides all the obvious ways your hospital legit can’t run due to the staff always having sex in on call rooms, your words are wise.  It’s so easy to lose sight of how incredible it is to be a human who fights mental illness, addiction, eating disorders, etc.  It’s easier to believe we’re disappointments, failures..that we have missed out on life and lost.  But I believe we are mother fucking superheroes. I belong to a tribe.  A tribe gifted with leaving distinct trails of fighting that not everyone can do.

I can’t be a neurosurgeon.  I haven’t made a family or published or become well known or made much money.  But I have fought constant battles in my mind while fully experiencing every year of my life so far. I have stood in unbearable stillness, sometimes so long that others thought I had accepted defeat and sunk never to rise.  When you live a mind of continuous psyche climbing you come to realize that those unbearable moments, those inner stills, are in and of themselves complex surgeries that most can’t navigate. It has taken me years to understand that when I appear stagnant, I’m fighting the hardest. These are the phases I’m growing what’s necessary to accomplish whatever is next in my life. I’ve learned to trust them and drown anyone out who demands movement…because once I have what I need inside I will move on the outside.

So I’m outwardly moving towards treatment because beyond knowing I need it, I now have what I need inside. Treatment rounds aren’t steps you take backwards because you’ve failed. They’re steps you take forward because you are part of a tribe destined for more success. Success that is so great it can’t even be defined. Many will make work or do work that incredibly contributes to the world in bigger ways while others keep a quiet corner of genius, often touching smaller groups of humans with their “experience, strength and hope.”  Nothing ever stops moving. Still is never still. Within that motionless action, some of us make legends.

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