I’ve been watching Good Will Hunting…that’s what I’m referring to with the whole “do you like apples” line. I mean I also have general interest in whether or not you like apples but more so the movie is on my mind. I’ve had a lot of body sensations or maybe memories?? I don’t know, here’s what’s up and you can tell me or keep it to yourself and just think “yea too bad she doesn’t know what that is, I do. I totally know. I also like granny smith apples and don’t care for Good Will Hunting.”—okay maybe you don’t think that whole sentence but for some reason the girl sitting next to me at Panera looks like if she read my blog that’s what she would say.
Back to what’s been happening. Earlier I drove past an army/navy store and had a feeling in my stomach that created a smell of dust and overwhelming depression. My brain scanned past scenarios. I saw a few army/navy stores I’ve been to in different states I thought of different people I knew then. A consistent feature was being young and lost. What the fuck was I doing winding up in those stores back then? Did I want camo pants? I’ve gone through phases of needing to feel tough or protected and generally it does involve buying camo pants.
Flash forward it’s a few days later. I dropped that post, went to class and have pretty much been on the couch resting for 3 days. I’m trying to adhere to letting my body repair. I keep reminding myself how not long ago my cat was meowing after I fed him breakfast and in my malnourished crazy brain I thought he wanted more food so I dumped his bag on the counter yelling things like “I guess we should just eat all the time shouldn’t we?? Go wild!!! Eat it ALL see if I care YOU gain weight I don’t have to I won’t I can control myself I am NOT gaining weight!!!!” Yea fucking sit on the couch and eat Ashley. That’s what I tell myself. And my cat sits on me, and looks at me like “oh you’re going to gain weight asshole you’re uncomfortable as fuck to lay on.” Dear Frankie my cat, thank you. You’re so much smarter than my eating disorder.