Man. Just…no.

I’m pissy as fuck. Eating more does that to me. I start seeing my reflection even more deluded and hearing people chew makes me want to throw daggers into innocent flower seeds. I’d say animals eyes but that’s a number one sign of being a sociopath and I’m not…for the record I’ve seriously never harmed anything living. 

Side note of my real bitchy demeanor right now: on Easter this year my niece and I found a dead baby bird and had an intense burial and ceremony for it. 

Okay back to being rip shit at everything. I want. To. Tear. Pillows after lighting them on fire. I think sometimes everything just feels ridiculous. When I first got sober I had this feeling too. I would hear people drinking any drink or see them chewing ice and want to shove their face in global warming oil spills. I don’t know why, I think when you’re trying so hard with every fiber to abstain from something you are on high alert for it around you. Whatever you’re ending in your routine becomes highlighted everywhere. 

People eat all the time, they drink all the time, they smoke all the time…but when you can’t do these things because you have crossed a threshold of them threatening your life–seeing them everywhere all of the sudden becomes too much. My mom must have spent 10 minutes yesterday eating a MINI sucker. I thought I was going to die. 

“How long can this last?” I asked myself. Each lick each crunch drove nerves into the ground. It happens around drinkers. No matter how long I’m sober there’s still a small window of time I can be around people drinking before my ultra sensitive spidey senses detect their shifting thought process and demeanor. As soon as that happens, I’m out. Cause it blows. 

It’s not always this bad, but when there’s a flare up of my eating disorder or addiction, it grates my senses to be around eating and/or drinking…or anything addictiving. 

Side note auto correct just tried to make addictiving “addictive fun”. Yea it sure was. For a long ass time. Until it wasn’t. Until my life was a constant cycle of numbing life suck. It’s the worst with food right now because I’m trying to up my intake and maintain a reasonable amount of food every day. Which triggers wanting to drink…because they’re all related. Everything I’ve used to escape, they play off eachother and when I picture them they’re like those real damn cute conjoined cut out paper dolls. Inseparable. Keeping a lid on one usually means another is vying to pop up to help me cope with losing the other. So I’m pissy. I’m a pissy little shit bitch right now. With exception to my cat.

He can do no wrong.

2 thoughts on “Man. Just…no.

  1. I hear you girl! When I’m like that I just shut myself away and avoid everyone. I also try not to drive. As for my language – I’d make a saint blush and priest cry. Ride the storm – you’ll be a pro surfer like me!

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