up of the whats

Oh the rest of september, october and so far november….what’s up.  I’ve had so many thoughts and a huge barrier to writing.  I’ve been warped by what people will think what they already think what I say what I want to say where I’ve been what’s been happening should I be honest do I care why have a blog what am I doing….well I still want a blog, and I’m going to update my words.  These past few months have been absorbed with my eating disorder.  I had a shift to lose weight, although to be fair–it’s the first thing I told them when I left Castlewood:  “everything else feels good and manageable, but I still want to lose weight”.  And lose weight I have.  To the point of now being told and understanding that I have to gain weight.  So what drives this obsession?  Why am I so hesitant to listen to what I have to do immediately?  Because the eating disorder loudly shouts lose weight and because restoring and repairing in outpatient is very hard.  I’m determined to do it outpatient because I feel that after a few sessions of residential and php and iop I need to learn to recover from this point IN my life.  I’m still involved in school and with friends and my family, I’m still free of many other behaviors, and in so many ways I’ve done what this entire 2 year process has been for:  to rebuild my life.  I have what I’ve been fighting for, and yes…my eating disorder is running rampant.  When I look at why I feel my eating disorder is so active I think it’s because it’s how I’m dealing with getting back into my life.  It is insanely hard to start living a life behavior free after living with them for 20 years.  The 2 years I’ve been in recovery may sound like a lot, but they’re short compared to the years I’ve spent in drugs alcohol restricting purging self harming anythinging to numb and on the outside thrive.  I’m finally really in my life, and fact is I’m still learning how to do it sans the anythingings.  It’s incredible progress that I am only using the eating disorder.  One behavior out of around 5??  Yes please.  Progress.  I’m very proud of that.  I’m very determined to repair my body–but I’m still somewhat determined not to eat too much not to do what is so often heard but drastically true in eating disorders and again I say it:  I don’t want to gain weight.  The crazy thing is when I look at pictures of myself fully restored 5 months ago I don’t hate what I see.  It’s a mind fuck.  I’ve tried looking at it in different ways…it’s not often one goes into the holidays with the intention of eating more and not exercising at all.  That could be pretty cool.  I’ve never binged in my eating disorder history, it’s always been restriction and exercise and purging food that was already restricted….so I’m not afraid of a literal binge I’m afraid of what they call “subjective binges”–where basically eating even 50% of a meal feels like a binge.  I’m afraid of that feeling, of calories nowhere near my maintenance that I feel are hugely gluttony gluttony goo goo gah crazy.  These are the rampant thoughts I have right now.  This is the space I’ve been in and am clawing to climb out of without higher treatment structure.  The good news is I have more control.  The hard news is I have more control.





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