shadowboxing

There’s a guy in my apartment complex who walks around with a parrot on his shoulder and I think he is amazing.  Every time I see him I get an overall sense of satisfaction.  I picture so many images of what the rest of his life could be, my imagination runs wild, and I realize more than anything…I’m so happy about humans and being one.

It’s been a while since I’ve written, in some ways I edit what I’d say so much that I stop before I start.  Am I good am I bad what will people think do I care yes wait no, back and forth.  I’ve got about five minutes before I can’t look at this screen so I’ll try to write quick, my brain is struggling and I can’t edit my thoughts.  I have a concussion.  At this point technically they call it post concussion or persistent post concussion…every month that goes by it moves around in classification.  And of course I would have something nobody can see and few understand, it mimics my eating disorder and makes me feel crazy unless I’m with my doctors.

It’s affected my life greatly since May when I fell and hit my head.  I was in physical therapy twice a week for two months and had debilitating moments of most days.  If you think you understand concussion fatigue and you’ve never experienced it you have no idea.  Much like how if you haven’t experienced an eating disorder you have no idea what it’s like.  Case in point, you’d think with a head injury I would think “well I can’t worry about my weight because my brain needs to heal”….that would be great, if it were that simple.

The truth is I work really hard to keep the eating disorder at bay while responding to symptoms that can leave me close to bed rest which further triggers feeling lazy and gaining weight.  It may not make sense, it may anger some…and it’s still my truth. If eating disorders made any sense then people wouldn’t have eating disorders.  They wouldn’t work out on broken ankles or starve despite knowing their organs are literally eating themselves.  I’m not restricting food to be an idiot, recovery is a process. So is recovery from a brain injury.  I felt better and then over the past couple weeks my symptoms increased, my threshold for mental or physical activity dropped, my vestibular system started acting up.  Back to the doctor I went.  He said microscopic tears or residual bleeds can be a culprit after 4 months and an MRI wednesday will show anything like that but clearly nothing is urgent, these things most often resolve in time with proper care.  I’m not worried, I just want to get on board with the next step of treatment.  As loud as the eating disorder gets, for the most part I’m doing well nourishing what I do logically understand is more important than what I weigh…that my brain heals.

How about that parrot guy though?  He’s definitely part of my recovery.

Okay!  Time for a nap!  Mental fatigue has set in no more screens today only wonderful thoughts of being a human in the same building as parrot guy human.  Outstanding.

I would love to read your words

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